I've been working my false balls off trying to eek out any kind of money in SF. Even with experience it's difficult to find anyone to pay you. I work everyday and have discovered that my new friends/family seem to be my co-workers. Friends I thought I had have fallen behind in the fast jog of life.
Loneliness is an interesting thing. It makes people a bit awkward and unsure. It comes upon you at the most intimate moments when you are vulnerable and prone to sad feelings. Then you try to push them away, fight these unwanted feelings, as you know deep down it's a way of feeling sorry for yourself. But what do you do when the loneliness continues to exist, despite the fight?
I met this Mexican guy at work, named Remijio. He is always hanging around the restaurant, even when he's not supposed to be working. Through my broken Espanol and his mierda English, we found a common link. Our families are far away, we need to work constantly to survive, and when we're not home sleeping we're at work to keep ourselves muy occupado. Or more accurately, to keep ourselves away from the loneliness - if even for a short while. It struck me that my situation is quite common. Particularly in cities.
There are other things. Boys want to date me. I don't want to date them. It's too soon and I'm not sure when I'll ever feel somewhat 'normal' again. Perhaps after enough work I'll feel like taking a break and being nice to myself again. Then I can allow others to be nice in return. Silly, wallowing girl. Things will get better.
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